2015 Bad Language Language Update

I’d like to kick off 2015 on a positive note by listing the lazy neologisms, nonsensical verbal memes, and plain bad language that I’ve found irksome in recent times–and so should you:

  1. “What did/does <important personal experience or realization> look like for you?”

    This is one of those seeming harmless conversational constructions that has snuck up on our society in recent years and has been slipping into celebrity interviews, therapy sessions, and other question-and-answer transactions both public and private. Apparently, you now have to draw someone a picture with words when they’re asking you about the time your guinea pig ran away or you were caught with your pants down. What does it look like? I’ll tell you what it looks like. It looks like my fist in your face for not asking “what was that like?” instead.

  2. “That _______ where/when/you _______” web meme. Apparently, more people still watch SNL (including twenty-somethings) than will cop to it. Yes, Seth Meyers is a funny guy. So is Bill Hader. You are neither of them, so stop fronting and make your own jokes.
  3. (Optional hashtag # preceding) “Because <Internet or insert equally retarded nonsensical noun or verb, doesn’t matter because there’s no grammar in Internet memes>.” No, that’s not the reason why. Also, why are you opposed to prepositions and articles? Was there a harrowing experience from your public school past? Did a preposition hold you down while an article slapped you silly and throw down an atomic wedgie?
  4. “Bestie.” More fit as a quirky name for your unusual pet, this diminution is certainly not fit for the honorable title of “best friend,” even if you’re 10 years old or less. Marginally better than “bff,” it is nonetheless more annoying due to its overbearing cutesiness. Being a free country is great, but it doesn’t mean we have to nickname everything, including common nouns. (Tie on same grounds: “selfie”)
  5. “Breaking the Internet.” Despite some ingenue’s racy pics being leaked by nerds, kids saying the darndest things, and celebrity couples fighting on CCTV, the Internet remained intact. Yep, I just checked. The servers are up, the network settings are correct, and the protocols are working. (Tie: the incorrigible #winning…nope, we’re all slowly losing)
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Ex-Soviet immigrant turned wanna-be scribe. I bite off more than I can chew, but at least I've got good teeth.

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