The Thaw

Eddies of melting snow curve around discolored mounds of snow tainted with weeks of pet pee and soot. As the last patches of black ice melt away into the concrete, assorted rubbish loses its snowy veil. Bottle caps, pigeon fodder, and loose articles of winter clothing wash up with little hope for claim or cleaning. The city doesn’t springs back to life so much as rise slowly up, one piece at a time, like a pop-up book.

Children, awakened from their hibernation, appear on the plaza, kicking balls around the Bust of Sylvette, the Picasso sculpture, just been a funny stone in the middle of the grass. SoHo fashionistas, tourists, strollers, and wannabes fill the streets with foot traffic, human bodies flung back into motion. Little dogs no longer having to suffer the indignities of precious doggie clothes and footwear forced upon them by their doting owners. Larger dogs tied up outside a coffee shop while their masters rejuvenate with rare roasts of shade-grown South American beans.

Taxi cabs, Ubers, Lyfts, gypsy cabs, and stretch limos fill the streets, honking their way through messed of oblivious walkers, smug cyclists, and exhausted drivers. The thump of the truck rolling over the Houston pothole sounds every five to ten seconds, on the dot. Soon, the birds will return. Soon, the corner fruit stand will reappear, the kind and tired face of its licensed vendor smiling faintly at passersby while the antenna on his handheld radio tethers him to news from the rest of the world. Soon, the homeless guys who hang around the West 3rd stop will reclaim their positions along Bleecker, waiting for cheery visitors and buzzed post-grads to drop some beer money into their hats.

Spring is in the air.

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2015 Bad Language Language Update

I’d like to kick off 2015 on a positive note by listing the lazy neologisms, nonsensical verbal memes, and plain bad language that I’ve found irksome in recent times–and so should you:

  1. “What did/does <important personal experience or realization> look like for you?”

    This is one of those seeming harmless conversational constructions that has snuck up on our society in recent years and has been slipping into celebrity interviews, therapy sessions, and other question-and-answer transactions both public and private. Apparently, you now have to draw someone a picture with words when they’re asking you about the time your guinea pig ran away or you were caught with your pants down. What does it look like? I’ll tell you what it looks like. It looks like my fist in your face for not asking “what was that like?” instead.

  2. “That _______ where/when/you _______” web meme. Apparently, more people still watch SNL (including twenty-somethings) than will cop to it. Yes, Seth Meyers is a funny guy. So is Bill Hader. You are neither of them, so stop fronting and make your own jokes.
  3. (Optional hashtag # preceding) “Because <Internet or insert equally retarded nonsensical noun or verb, doesn’t matter because there’s no grammar in Internet memes>.” No, that’s not the reason why. Also, why are you opposed to prepositions and articles? Was there a harrowing experience from your public school past? Did a preposition hold you down while an article slapped you silly and throw down an atomic wedgie?
  4. “Bestie.” More fit as a quirky name for your unusual pet, this diminution is certainly not fit for the honorable title of “best friend,” even if you’re 10 years old or less. Marginally better than “bff,” it is nonetheless more annoying due to its overbearing cutesiness. Being a free country is great, but it doesn’t mean we have to nickname everything, including common nouns. (Tie on same grounds: “selfie”)
  5. “Breaking the Internet.” Despite some ingenue’s racy pics being leaked by nerds, kids saying the darndest things, and celebrity couples fighting on CCTV, the Internet remained intact. Yep, I just checked. The servers are up, the network settings are correct, and the protocols are working. (Tie: the incorrigible #winning…nope, we’re all slowly losing)
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The captain is a lean, healthy man in his mid-40s with a slightly sunburnt face. His baseball cap, wraparound sunglasses and polo shirt make him look more like a mid-board golfer on the PGA tour than the captain of a Sheepshead Bay fishing boat.

He makes his rounds about the boat, greeting everyone on board, Groupon or not, introducing himself and making sure we all know how to cast the rod without tangling the line. He asks if I know what I’m doing and I balk. “More or less.” Then I make it clear it’s “less” and he does a quick demo. The captain shows me how to tie up the sinker to the gunwale while the boat is moving so the hook is bouncing against the outside rim without flying into someone’s eye. It’s a neat trick and I tell him so.

Besides the captain the crew consists of a haggard black man, a friendly paisano giant, and a little guy who seems assured of his ability to spot flukes just from the strain on someone’s rod. The black man welcomed us aboard when we first got on, holding our hands to make sure we landlubbers didn’t hurt ourselves from the get-go. Throughout the trip, he walks around with a fancy DSLR snapping shots of giddy fishermen, including a little kid going nuts over a huge flounder, then squealing in terror when a baby sand shark is dumped on the bench next to him to his parents’ amusement.

The short-haired Italian stallion wears a tee-shirt with the sleeves cut off. It reads something like, “Eat, Sleep, Fish, Repeat.” He’s a friendly fellow and fixes our tangles time and time again without losing his cool. This is the hazard of booking a full fishing charter.

I threw in $2 each into the ship’s pool for my dad and me. Our first stop is pretty fruitless but the next couple of spots yield flounders and sea bass for some. Dad looks over at the guy next to us, who tied a dirty bandana around the gunwale to clip his pliers onto and keep them handy — clearly not his first rodeo. He makes a few lighthearted sarcastic remarks alluding to the guy’s apparent expertise. He also insists the guy is Jewish, like us, while I explain that the tattoo of a cross on his calf, wrapped in a flag that says “Greece,” indicates otherwise. Dad waves this off as insufficient evidence…

It’s nearly noon and we’re about to head back toward Sheepshead Bay. Most people have caught a fish or two, some even a keeper. We’re still empty-handed. Dad has now repeated his joke about pulling his $2 from the pool to others, including our Jewish neighbor with the Greek cross on his leg. After several tangles and line crosses, I’m resigned to an uneventful finale and a quiet trip home. Suddenly, Dad manages to pull a baby sea bass out of the ocean. The captain doesn’t even bother to check his length with the long metal rulers provided. The fish is puny.

Then, minutes later, I get lucky and pull out a good-sized flounder just as the motor starts, signaling “Rods up!” and a sail set for home. The captain walks over, this time dressed more casually. He slaps the fish against the ruler. It shows about 16, 16.5 inches. Nope, it needs to be 18. The flounder finds itself flung back into its home even more rudely and abruptly than it was yanked from it. My dad is comically enraged by this malfeasance, but our more experienced neighbor explains there’s a $500 fine attached to keeping such fish, and it won’t be paid by my dad.

Our $4 is going home with someone else, along with another $120 and a fish of gargantuan proportions–one of the massive flounders, I guess. We’re going home with a cooler full of scrunched foil wrappers from the chicken cutlets and cheese sandwiches we ate earlier. Luckily, the boat has beer on it. “Two Sam Adams, please.” That’ll do, Captain. That’ll do. 

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The Corner

It was my nephew’s birthday and we were going to Sahara. We got out on the Avenue U stop, me pinpointing the transfer from express to local on Kings Highway as the trains crossed for a brief moment at the station. Ah, yeah, back in my element. The Avenue U station got a nice makeover sometime in the past decade. Everything but the poorly oiled high-exit cage turnstiles, which turned every three seconds with a death-throe screech that really got under our skins.

Wandering through the familiar row of Chinese dim sum joints, food markets, and value stores (single tear), I passed by the somewhat unlikely awning for “Vlada’s Dog Grooming.” I slowed down my walk on cuteanimal alert. A leathery middle-aged guy ambled out whistling to a cat left pressing its whiskers to the window.

We kept walking stopping at the crosswalk. One guy yelped at another in greeting at the corner bodega. I turned around instinctively, not to much out of alarm as curiosity. “Uh oh, uh oh,” a meek voice rattled from somewhere on our left flank. Something compelled me to turn back again.

“Uh oh. Time go get worried!” It was pretty clear the man from Vlada’s was taunting us. I don’t know what he thought, or what he was after, but I imagined it might have to do with his assumptions about us, inasmuch as I was now making assumptions about him. It might have had to do with him being black and my being white, or his being messed up or unmedicated and my being sober and relatively adjusted. Maybe he just had a shitty day. Maybe the cat bit him. Maybe his wife had just left him. Maybe he didn’t have a wife. Maybe he was homeless. Maybe he didn’t want to be at home. Maybe I was just swimming too far from the shores of practical reality.

“Yeah, you heard me,” he resumed, this time louder and bolder. The SO could feel that I wanted to turn around and get the last word on it, and I shook off the faux-provocation. I tilted my head slightly in his direction but we had started to cross. I don’t know why it mattered, but I wanted him to know that I wasn’t worried, that I had lived in this neighborhood and all around it for 20 years. But it wasn’t even a hard neighborhood, it was Avenue U! And I wasn’t hard either, but the man probably was, or harder than me anyway. And what the hell would I do? Throw down with this guy for teasing me as an alleged yuppie on the street corner? Come to my nephew’s party in tattered clothes, with a black eye, explaining to my familythat I had to stand up for my Brooklyn pride?

It was all silly, and ridiculous, and not worth another thought. But I couldn’t deny it. I wanted to punch this stranger whom I don’t know, punch him very hard, or at least whip him with a good quip.

“I’m not worried!” I would have retorted. Yeah, that’s the ticket. That’s it. Glad I thought about it. Now I’m ready for the next vagrant, come hell or high water.

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Play Ball

Tuesday was not an auspicious day for a baseball game. The forecast called for rain to start in the later afternoon and progress after 6 pm. Granted, it was set for biblical floods the following day, when any outdoor activity would almost certainly be cancelled. So we braved the weather and pushed on. Things started rocky when the my university club (the meeting spot near Grand Central) refused to serve my girlfriend and me. They were just doing their jobs, really–it was a sadly rude awakening that all the other times that I was able to get spirits and victuals was thanks to my friend K., who was always a paying member. I felt a little like a little kid whose dad has been hanging already caught fish unto his hook when he turns around, just to make him feel good. Bah! Our spirits were lifted by my friend’s arrival; we got seats, beers, and burgers. All the while checking our phones to see if the game would be postponed. But it looked like old Hal Steinbrenner was going to play ball.

By the time we got to the stadium and sat down in the right field bleachers, the game was one or two innings in, and we caught the Yanks scoring 2 consecutive runs (the high point of the game, which they went on to lose 6-3). The sky was overcast with gray clouds but it wasn’t pouring yet. But it was starting to dribble a little, so we unfurled our 2 ponchos (thank you, SO!). One of the Bleacher Creatures behind us even helped us smooth the poncho over the seat. Wow, New Yorkers sure are nicer than everyone says they are! After watching the Yanks send a couple of runners home, I went for a beer (yes, one beer, because you can’t get more than one per person) and returned to my seat only to feel a slight touch on the back of my head. I didn’t think much of it, but soon another touch followed. I figured the guy behind us, who was the poncho helper, was just being playful, so I let it go. But another brush or two signaled that this was something else, so I turned around to face an early 20s, puckish young guy who was visibly drunk.

“Everything alright, pard’nah?” I inquired.

Maybe it was the way I said it, but the kid was not happy with the question. “You got a prahblem?” he slurred, close-talking into my ear the way assholes used to do in middle school (some things never change).

For a split-second, my id, egged on by those sucky middle-school years of taking shit from people, fought against my super-ego, which was telling me to turn around until the guy calmed a bit.

“I don’t have a problem.”

He challenged me again, clearly to drunk to come up with new wording.

“Do you want to get removed?” I found myself asking. Oh, brother, I really am an adult now. The elusive satisfaction of punching a jerk in the face was now slipping away from me.

The kid got up all the way now, putting up the dukes and going through all the false bluster and bravado. Luckily, his friends, who were clearly amused, had the mental clarity to pull him down. I sat stewing, my manhood feeling deprived but also secretly happy that I probably wouldn’t have to absorb a drunken blow for the one I would have thrown.

The friend restraint did not last for long. Suddenly, two women in staff uniforms were next to me asking if I was OK and if this dude was doing something to me. I looked over at the kid, who for a moment seemed under control.

“I think we’re OK now.”

The kid, not smart or sober enough to stay down and let things blow over, got up to challenge the two minders, approximating the same question and gestures he had used on me a minute earlier. No sooner had he gotten in their faces than a meaty representative of the NYPD swooped in to execute his removal. It was an impressively quick and decisive response. A couple of his friends, shocked and annoyed, were taken with him, while the rest followed, presumably in solidarity or because he was their ride.

“It wasn’t even my Mets jersey, bro, he was just being an idiot,” the last guy explained excitedly to someone on the phone before chasing after the rest of the group. The Spanish kids around us discussed and debated the measure of the response for another inning or two. The rain picked up and I opened my umbrella over the SO, who, fully fluent in Spanish, was eavesdropping on the nearby conversations. The row behind us was almost fully empty now, but the Bleacher Creatures closed ranks. They lost a few soldiers, but the war would go on.

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There’s a Man Outside My Building

There’s a man outside my building. Every day. Well, almost every day. He lives there. I don’t know his name because we’re long past the point where it would be polite to ask. His shopping cart, loaded with pots, pans, and various bagatelles, is perpetually chained to the fence at Laguardia Corner Gardens like a steed to a hitching post. The man has knee-length braided dreads he somehow manages to pack into an impossibly long beanie that looks like a dragon’s tail. Every day he can be seen reading the newspaper, listing to Spanish-language news, and smoking his pipe–our very own Greenwich Village Gandalf–though something tells me he wouldn’t appreciate the comparison.

What’s his story? Why’s he out here? What little rumors I’ve been able to collate form a sketchy portrait: unreconstructed hippie living here for many years; has a rent-controlled apartment somewhere in the city but chooses to live out there, in the little alley formed by the lovely community garden and the pigeon poop-stained grimy back windows left facade of our 24-hour Morton Williams. He might be an artist. Or just a derelict living off the tax payers’ dime. Storm Sandy is about the only time that I recall him not being there. His entire encampment was gone for several days. Sometimes he leaves for a day or two, in bad weather, whereto I know not. He never asks for money–or food.

When I see his familiar bearded face, the creases of experience in his sun-burnt face, I kind of like thinking of him as a sage and mysterious vagabond smoking rare tobacco and meditating on matters beyond the comprehension. Unhindered by workaday routine and the mundane preoccupations of New Yorkers he watches over us, protecting us with his watchful gaze. But that illusion was sadly broken on occasions when he was clearly wasted, one time even flirting lamely with my girlfriend in mumbled Spanish. Even Gandalf likes to tie one on. Maybe he’s more like us than I know. Life is hard, apartments are small. Every one of us finds their own way of getting through the day. Our watcher has found his. I still wish I knew the full story, and maybe one day I’ll work up the courage to ask. For now, I’ll enjoy that comfort of confirming his presence there as I walk home from work, grocery bags in hand, and nod at him every once in a while. After all, some mysteries are worth preserving.



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A Moment of Sanity

It’s my least favorite part of the week, requiring me to take the red line down to FiDi at rush hour. In the past couple of years, I’ve made significant problem with rageaholism—both real and imagined. For one thing, I’ve radically cut down the number of times I shout at people on the West 4th stop stairs, and I barely ever deploy my elbows as a passive-aggressive cowcatcher in the bowels of Penn Station on the way home from work, anymore. One terrible reality, though, continues to test the limits of my equipoise: the 32nd Street red line. That’s right, I said 32nd Street, not 34th. (For all I know, 34th is just as bad, but it’s not where I get on, and that’s the reality I live with.)

What’s so bad about it? Oh-ho-ho, where do I begin? You basically have three options to enter—bad, worse, and terrible. If you’re a total rube, you’ll get sucked into the black hole of the Penn Station entrance under MSG marquee. That will be the last anyone hears of you, because finding the 1/2/3 train from here is, though promised by the periodic signage, is not actually possible. Eventually you will lose hope and enter a fugue from which only the lucky few will emerge somehow findings themselves at their destination—a row of red line turnstyles. The shrewder souls will cut their losses and track their way back to daylight (if they can).

On the northwest corner of 33rd Street, next to the Halal/hot dog/roasted peanut carts, a more realistic, though in equal measure more absurd, option exists: a single revolving cage turnstyle through which clueless tourists cram and jam their way off the downtown 1 with oversized rolling suitcases, ignoring the exit door subjecting the opposing crowd of hopeful card swipers to an endless wait. When the family of tourists finally clears out, you will discover the incompetent swipers who have been standing in front of you the whole time, waiting their turn to put the card through equally slowly five times before you rip it out of their hands and swipe them in with the slightly faster speed required by MTA readers. If you’re taking the downtown 1, you’re in luck—your journey ends here. But not everyone is so lucky…

Oh, then of course there is the simply “bad” option. For those who brave the stretch of 32nd Street that lies between 6th and 7th avenues on their way to and from work, panhandling, or whatever penal assignment they suffer through to have landed here, the little entrance on 32nd Street can, at times, be tolerable. You know what you’re dealing with, so you can prepare accordingly—the overwhelming crowd of Long Island commuters pooling on the northeastern corner of 32nd and 7th, kicking their hoofs as they stare you down, getting ready to charge as soon as the light turns. You’re no novice, so you flank or dodge them with bullet-time Matrix moves. You even know how to make that left diagonal, pierce the thread of reserves coming up behind them, and dive into the surprisingly spacious entrance tucked in across from a mediocre pizzeria.

Your troubles are over! Salvation is near! Think again…If you’re taking the 2 or 3 (regardless of direction), you have yet to endure the toughest test of all—the fires of Mordor itself—in the walk up that staircase. No strategizing will help you here—much like the final level of the video game, supreme skill will do nothing for you compared to sheer luck. If you happened to come at that perfect moment when the trains just passed and the next arriving trains afford a five-minute respite, you have won the lottery. But if you’re the rest of us, the other 364 days a year, you will round the corner into a bilateral wave of catastrophic, running from a Godzilla-panicked crowd descending like a 10-storey wave, engulfing you and everything that stands in its path. No cow-catcher will help you here. No amount of reasoning or bargaining with the individual members of this mob will help you—for they seized to function as individuals the moment they left that train—the same moment they lost their souls. (They will regain their humanity once more when they reach their homes, hearths, or connecting trains, the color returning to their cheeks, the memories expunged and their consciences cleansed—for such is the curse that haunts the heart of a New York City commuter.)

Many is the time that I have snapped when faced with this scorched-earth raiding party. And, on occasion, I’ve done better than most—shoved, punched, slapped, cut, and bitten (OK, not yet) my way through this human net to catch that downtown 2 or 3 that I really need to get where I’m going on time. When you master the art of being a temporary jerk, you can jostle your way through without repercussion—the train itself is holding its arms out to you, the promise of lukewarm shelter and standing room occupancy ringing out at you with the closing doors. I’ve done what I’ve had to in order to make that train. I’m not ashamed of it, and I don’t regret it. The silent horrors are between me, my conscience, and the darkness of the night.

But there comes a time when the terror of this human blob is too much—and you cross the line of small crimes into the no-man’s land of unspeakable atrocities. This past Tuesday I was on the brink. It was the perfect storm—clueless tourists tooling around the 33rd Street entrance, an oblivious Korean man standing in front of the single turnstyle without any intention of entering, and, of course, the human lava gushing down at me out of the mouth of the 2/3 platform. I could see my train even though I couldn’t—there, in the distance, just behind the 45 people coming determined to crush and trample everyone in their path to get off that platform 5 seconds faster than their neighbor.

I pulled out all the stops—charging up the right side, stiff-arming these linebackers like a desperate halfback looking for the Promised Land, my phone and man purse tucked into my belly. I knew I’d left a couple of victims behind me, but the train door was within reach now. I howled with the anticipated triumph, but it was premature—I ran into a wall of tired officer workers who, like all natural formations, are devoid of sympathy and morals. It was impenetrable and my howl turned into a wail. I was ready to turn back to these assholes and lecture them condescendingly about two-way staircase traffic when I realized that I suddenly weighed a few ounces lighter—one iPhone lighter, to be exact. One foot on the platform, I smacked my empty coat pockets and looked back hopelessly. What I saw amazed me—the unholy horde of barbarians had suddenly parted, standing silent, their eyes cast downward toward an object powerful enough to break the curse—at least for a minute. This amulet, universal and sacrosanct to one and all, lay there, inert, awaiting retrieval from my hands—like King Arthur’s sword in the rock.

Quickly I collected my iPhone from beneath a lady’s heel, suspended in the still air just inches above the surface of the black 4S. And then it was back in my pocket, and time resumed, the mass of zombies resuming their perpetual assault on the ascending fools and on good manners and humanity. The train was missed, but another one would be there in two minutes, and my phone, now past the 2-year contract, was intact. I marveled at this display of organized humanity and felt my commuter rage evaporate into the sweet air of a downtown express.


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